February 26, 2025

I logged into Twitch today and saw one of my old livestreams was still there—a raw, unfiltered glimpse into my time in the hospital during the early days of the pandemic. It was labeled Day 3 of my COVID hospitalization, but it was actually Day 5 which I know because of the date (9/27/2020) and my extensive documentation. Watching it now feels like stepping into a time capsule. Life has changed so much since then.

I’ll always love fat me. She was fun. She was awesome. And yet, looking back, my heart aches for how I was treated by family—their misplaced priorities, their inability to see me beyond their own discomfort.

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Twitch Livestream, 9/27/2020 (34:11) | Livestreaming from my hospital room at Regional Medical Center in Anniston, Alabama during the height of the pandemic.

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/753510234

Livestreaming from a Hospital Bed

That video reminded me of one of the strangest parts of that experience: my family freaking out because I did a four-hour livestream from my hospital bed.

Four hours. Talking the entire time.

They acted like it was proof I was delirious or making a spectacle of myself. But what they failed to grasp was that I was a streamer—I was already used to talking for four to eight hours at a time, several days a week, while gaming or hanging out online. For me, livestreaming wasn’t some bizarre or reckless act; it was my way of feeling connected, of processing, of surviving.

But my family didn’t see it that way. They saw embarrassment.

Instead of being relieved that I was well enough to talk, they called the hospital and tried to get them to take away my phone and computer—as if silencing me was more important than supporting me. They cared more about the possibility of me “embarrassing myself” (or them) than the fact that those livestreams were my lifeline during an incredibly difficult time.

Being the Only Lucid Patient

In that livestream, I talk about so many things:

My worries about Karl.
My family’s meltdown over my four-hour stream.
The unsettling realization that I was the only lucid COVID patient on my floor—the only one asking questions, the only one aware of what was happening around me.
The absolute chaos of hospital protocols (or lack thereof).
The things they failed to do.

Watching it back, I see someone fighting to stay connected, to stay present, to document an experience that felt unreal.

A Different Kind of Awakening

That hospital stay wasn’t just about surviving COVID—it was a wake-up call in so many ways. About family. About connection. About the ways people show (or fail to show) their love.

Revisiting this video today, I feel the weight of that moment, but I also feel gratitude for how far I’ve come. For the community that truly saw me. For the version of myself that fought to stay visible, even when others wanted me to disappear.

I’ll always love that version of me. She was fun. She was awesome. And she deserved better.

9/27/2020 – Hospital Day 5 – Emotional Breakdown

Notes as recorded in my COVID Experience Timeline I began assembling a few years ago.

9/27, Sunday – Day 5: PTSD Episode?

1-1:30am – Death Scare Experience
- The Nurses came in to bring me water and check my blood pressure and I had a death scare experience worrying about how high my heart rate was. Thankfully they and I were able to talk me down to a slightly calm state and they were able to bring in a different blood pressure machine. And after doing a bit of relaxing, stretching,, breathing, and eye closing to help relax my blood pressure was retaken by Brandi? (I thought I had already met her but apparently, this is the first time). Amber was also around. Amber is kind of stern and I feel like she’s annoyed with me, but she’s probably just tired and overworked. I’ve been trying to be on my best behavior around her so I don’t make her job harder.
- Anyways I totally thought my life was in danger again. Thankfully now I feel a bit more reassured. (Note to self: my voice recorder was on while people were in and out of my room so I can go listen to that conversation later.)
1:30am – Journaling
- …I feel like I am experiencing a rare state of clarity brought on by all the steroids pumping through my body currently causing me to be in a lucid/manic state. The manic state may also be bring brought on by the fact I’ve had a near-death experience and am experiencing a high from evaluating my life. I know everyone wants me to rest but I feel it is of extreme importance for me to try to articulate all my thoughts while I am able. I have to write down all the things I have forgotten before I forget them again. …
8-8:45 OR 9 am – 9:40 am – Emotional Breakdown; PTSD?
- Upset and embarrassed
- I just had an emotional breakdown and started crying while talking to nurse Ann. I said I thought I was experiencing fear and emotional trauma. And needed to speak to a counselor. Ann got the admitting doctor who came in and asked me what was going on. I broke down and started sobbing and began telling him what happened to me. I only made it halfway through my story before he finally interrupted to explain the process/options to me. Everything he said made sense and reassured me but he also seemed like he didn’t actually understand what I was trying to communicate and was annoyed. He said he would get me a physiatrist or counselor and then left after telling me he didn’t understand why I had been so worried and kind of reassuring me that I’m not on a ventilator and etc.
Too embarrassed to talk
10-10:15 am – Messaged Karl and told him I was crashing.
- I slowly ate breakfast then brushed my teeth and groomed myself and tried to stretch.
10:15-10:45 – Texted/Called Morgan Worsham
11-11:45 – Nurse Amy brought me lunch and reassured me about my breakdown and convinced me that I’m not crazy.
12:20-1:05pm – My stomach became very upset.
1:30 pm – I don’t like being monitored.
- I feel paranoid. I don’t like being monitored via camera. I don’t like feeling like a prisoner. I don’t like not being able to figure stuff out on my own.
1:30-4pm – Slept
5-5:15 pm – Text to Karl
- Karl I’m about to change the world if I can just get the right people to hear my story and help me.
- …
- I need people to see me and to hear me, and I know you’re probably freaking out because I sound manic and crazy but I know my thoughts are sound right now
5:02 pm? Message to Lindsey in response to how I’m feeling. (I’m not 100% about the date)
- OMG I feel like I’ve been through a rollercoaster of an entirely different sort in just the last 18 hours. This morning I literally felt so crazy and unstable I was sitting up here feeling paranoid and wondering if I was crazy.
5:30 pm – Dinner / Nurse Took Blood
6 pm – Texted Karl about trying to help me share my story. I felt manic and I also felt like my brain was working better than ever. I felt like I could think clearly. [I wanted to warn people about how dangerous Covid fog is and I also wanted to offer some professional advice on how to quickly and easily solve some communication issues I was noticing.]
6:02pm – MSG to Nick
- …vulnerable makes me weak so throughout my life I’ve struggled between allowing myself to be vulnerable and telling people how I really feel (and potentially feeling vulnerable and weak) to being brave enough to just not fucking worry about seeming weird or strange and to just tell people unapologetically what I think and feel because how the fuck are any of us supposed to know what we don’t know if we’re too afraid to speak our truth.
- …body is under stress, that I need to focus on healing. But I also feel that I have a calling and responsibility as a human citizen that has FINALLY had a moment of clarity to realize my sense of … ((this is all i have from my screenshots, need to see if I can find the rest of this conversation))
Time Unsure
Discord with Pom until almost 9 am
- He helped clean up the Blackwater server roles and post permissions